Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
