20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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