true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Randomize
