I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
