my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
