Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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