They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
