Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
