one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
