your parents love me but you hate me
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
