I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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