I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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