TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
