Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
