what if every blade of grass was a penis?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
