you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
