Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
