mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
