Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Randomize
