What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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