yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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