What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
