I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
