I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Randomize
