i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
