i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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