Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
