my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
