Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
