I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize