listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Randomize
