i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Randomize
