Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
