everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
