He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
