I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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