I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
