I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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