My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
