how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
