i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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