Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
