You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
