I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
