I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
