i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
