I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
