He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
