does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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