the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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