My nipple is on Facebook.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
